(The following post was one we did almost exactly a year ago…which has somehow resurfaced and we thought we would bring it back for your enjoyment)
Report on my first Yoga experience.
All of the following is absolutely true, except for the parts that I made up or embellished. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent. No one was hurt in the process, except me and my ego.
I promised my amazing wife I would make a concentrated effort in 2015 to do some more things that she likes and Yoga is something that she really enjoys. Particularly hot yoga. Particularly when it’s -5 degrees outside. Her favorite spot is in Junction City called the Yoga Projekt (points for spelling).
There is a new brewing company in town called Peoria Brewing Company (points for originality).
Today those worlds collided as they offered a combo yoga workout/beer tasting at the brewing company (points for awesomeness) appropriately titled Yoga Detox/Retox.
That was it…no more perfect of a combination of events could have been made to finally get me to step up. This was the universe telling me to break out the yoga mat I received for Christmas.
The following is an actual timeline of what transpired.
11:55 p.m.
Pulled into the parking lot of the Peoria Brewing Company, wearing my best lycra work out outfit, carrying my new yoga mat, looking like the yoga god I expect I am. Parking lot is actually packed. Just assumed everyone heard I was coming.
11:56 p.m.
Make our way into the brewing company and the smell of fresh yeast and barley hits us as soon as we open the door. New batches of beer being made as we speak. Can see the kettles of fermenting beer within reach and about 30 yoga mats spread out on the bar room floor.
11:56 p.m.
See a massive walk in cooler/freezer stacked with multiple kegs from floor to ceiling. Wondering what I’m doing holding a yoga mat instead of a pint.
11:55 p,m,
Walk into the class of of other yogies to set up. I see other people stretching, something I know I don’t need to do because I used to be a runner in high school and I stretched a lot then. I’m sure that has kept me limber some 25+ years later.
11:56
No spots left in the whole place except front and center in the front row. I’m assuming this spot was left for me intentionally as my moves are sure to be closely followed and emulated.
11:58
Sizing up my competition and their outfits and suddenly realize that I must stand out like Richard Simmons at Sturgis.
12:00
Yoga class starts. Can still faintly smell the hops and barley in the brewing room. Making a mental note of escape routes in case of fire or thirst emergency.
12:01
Greetings are made, seems like a nice group of other people. Lights are dimmed. This is a cake walk. I wonder if anyone would know if I took a nap?
12:02
We are told to lay on our back on our mats on the bar room floor. Oddly, this is not the first time I think I’ve been on my back on a bar room floor, but it has been a while. Just as comfortable as I remember.
12:05
Apparently there is a whole sub-culture language and code words that everyone must have gotten a list of earlier in the day because I don’t know what she is saying. Jen keeps telling me to keep quiet and stop raising my hand to ask questions.
12:06
The first pains start. I must be rocking this because everyone is turning around and checking my moves every time I grunt loudly.
12:08
I keep looking for a lose pet or dog to go walking by me because the yogi keeps telling her dog to get down.
12:09
Second pain starts. Thinking maybe I should have stretched a little. Jen just shot me an embarrassed look.
12:10
10 minutes in…I figure it will probably only go another 3-4 minutes, 5 tops. I think I can do this.
12:15
Crap. She said we are done with the warm up. Is that yogi code for “time to do the cool down”?
12:17
Pretty sure I just did a move I haven’t done since I was in-utero 44 years ago.
12:25
Trying to get unstuck from that same move.
12:30
Faintly remember Jen mentioning she was upping the life insurance on me a few days prior and I’m questioning if it’s related to this event.
12:31
Got unstuck. Onto a new move.
12:33
Notice a new smell has replaced the hopps and barley. I don’t think it’s beer related.
12:34
First and second pains are replaced by a new 5th and 6th pain in an area I wasn’t sure I had any muscle tissue before.
12:36
I hear an ambulance outside-I wonder if its for me.
12:38
I noticed Jen looked over at me (probably heard the whimpering). While in the warrior pose I noticed she is searching her Iphone for our insurance agent’s number while searching vacation properties in the Virgin Islands.
12:40
Return to the oddly familiar position of laying on my back on the bar room floor. I think I can get used to this.
Job well done Yoga Projekt and Peoria Brewing Company. I think I will be back. In 2016. As soon as I get unstuck.
Seriously-great time had by all. Looking forward to the next event.
(As mentioned at the top of this article, I posted this last Jan 12th, 2015 actually. At that time my loving wife purchased me a 12 pack of passes for additional yoga sessions. She must have thought I really rocked this one. As of today, I have approximately 10 passes left).
